


The UK's Premier Ghost Hunters

by elissanerdwriter



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Ghost Hunters, aka I can't write fluff without smatterings of angst and plot relevance, martin is jealous of melanie's job lol, miss king im lov you, this and my other fic are also "how many mentions of sasha can I fit without having her speak"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:41:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22338700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elissanerdwriter/pseuds/elissanerdwriter
Summary: Melanie gives her first statement. It doesn't go so great. Jon's a little nasty. Melanie's a little nasty. Martin's nice, at least.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 41
Collections: The Fluff Archives





	The UK's Premier Ghost Hunters

**Author's Note:**

> So basically I don't know how "fluff" or "not making too many references to plot" works,,,
> 
> The absolute best part of the assistants' round table was Lydia talking about her and Jonny trying to wind each other up at the end of her first statement and I just wanted... more of that. Plus more early Melanie in general. Plus foreshadowing to Jon and Martin's conversation during the season one finale and Melanie going off on Jon for being hypocritical.
> 
> A lot of wish fulfillment going on here.

[ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AFTER MAG28, SKINTIGHT]

ARCHIVIST

— and Sasha will see you out.

MELANIE

I think I can find my own way out, thank you.

ARCHIVIST

I really don’t suggest that, Ms. King. This building is—

MELANIE

What? Haunted? Full of standoffish pricks? Did you listen to a thing I said? I can handle myself!

ARCHIVIST

There are certain areas you wouldn’t want to wander into without knowing what was there. Artefact storage is a— well, Sasha could tell you more about that than I can, but there are some unpleasant items in there.

MELANIE

So, what? You actually believe in some of this?

ARCHIVIST

I— You’re the one who was insistent on evidence. There are phenomena I’d have to be foolish or ignorant to deny, and physical artefacts I have observed myself that appear to defy the known laws of the universe would fall in that category. It would just be wise not to expose yourself to things you don’t understand.

MELANIE

[FURIOUS SCOFFING] I can’t believe you! Honestly, you think you’re so all-knowing and brilliant and you have it all figured out, what’s real and what’s not. Like everyone else is stumbling around in the dark but you’re out here with a- a floodlight only you can use, or night-vision, making fun of everyone tripping over things they can’t see. But really you’re just bluffing because you know the world is full of things _you_ don’t understand, and you’re desperately clinging to every scrap of hope that it’s all just other people’s nightmares and drug hazes, none of it can actually touch _you_ . You already know everything that’s real. Sitting here in your— frankly, freezing cold — office, recording other people’s traumas and then mocking them for it. Have you ever actually encountered real danger? Have you actually felt the fear— the _terror_ of realizing you’re in out of your depth, facing something that could really hurt you? Because I have. And it sucks. It sucks.

ARCHIVIST

[COLDLY] Point taken, Ms. King. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to finish my notes on your statement. Whether you choose to wander off into the depths of the building or wait for my assistant is up to you. Good day.

[DOOR CLOSES]

MELANIE

[YELLING] Great, so you can call me a nutter behind my back as well as to my face? [DEEP SIGH] Fine. Didn’t particularly want to get lost with the spooky furniture or whatever anyways.

[FOOTSTEPS]

MARTIN

Hello?

MELANIE

Oh— hullo. Don’t suppose you’re Sasha?

MARTIN

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] No, no. I’m Martin. Different assistant to Mr. Sims. Is Sasha supposed to be coming to see you out?

MELANIE

Yeah. I’m—

MARTIN

[GASPS] No way. You’re—

MELANIE

Oh, God.

MARTIN

—You’re Melanie King! GhostHuntUK! I’ve watched your show for ages— well, not _ages_ , I guess, maybe a few months. Tim loves it too, though, and he’s been watching way longer. Sasha’s more into What The Ghost, I think, though we got her to watch your first Grey Lady episode and she seemed interested. And Jon, y’know, he’s Jon.

MELANIE

Cool, cool, yeah, great to hear someone around here appreciates my work. D’you mind— 

MARTIN

Did— Jon didn’t give you a hard time, did he?

MELANIE

Why, does he harass everyone who comes in here, or does he make exceptions for people who’re edging in on his territory? Especially if they happen to call him out on his lax screening process.

MARTIN

Oh, whoa. I don’t think he really thinks of it as his territory, exactly. I wish what we did was half as cool as what you do. It’s really just a lot of sorting through dozens of urban legends and rehashed self-insert horror movie plots and the occasional incident that probably should have just been a police report, until we find something Jon thinks might be credible.

MELANIE

[SNORTS] _Thinks might be credible?_ About what I expected, honestly.

MARTIN

I’m still not totally sure how he decides. I think it might be something about whether the computer can take it? Or if he has to use that clattering old tape recorder thing. Though we still research a lot of digital ones too.

MELANIE

Oh. Jon mentioned follow-up, but I thought he was just trying to get me to shut up. You actually do research?

MARTIN

Yeah? That’s the other part of the job, mostly. Checking on statement givers, looking up basic facts, some— additional digging if we need it. I make a lot of tea, too.

MELANIE

Definitely sounds like some assistant jobs I had in university.

MARTIN

I can’t complain, really. It doesn’t pay great, but it’s enough to keep me and my mum going. Not super long hours, okay benefits, stuff like that. Tim and Sasha are great. And Jon too. I mean, I have been living here for the past few weeks—

MELANIE

You’ve been _what?_

MARTIN

Oh. Yeah. Um— this lady was kind of— stalking me at my house? It’s a long story. There were a lot of— worms involved. I gave Jon a statement, and he decided it would probably be safer if I stayed here for the time being. In the Archives.

MELANIE

Did you say _worms?_ Is that why there’s little silver—

MARTIN

I’d rather not talk about it, if that’s okay.

MELANIE

And he didn’t believe my weird audio engineer story. Shame.

MARTIN

Honestly, I wasn’t sure he was going to believe me either. He was just giving me this look the whole time I was explaining what happened, completely unreadable and honestly a little scary, and then at the end he was like [IMPERSONATES JON] “there’s a room I sleep in when I’m overworking myself, it’s all sealed off, why don’t you stay there for a while.” About blew my mind.

MELANIE

What, he didn’t believe you just for being his assistant?

MARTIN

Nah. Sasha, maybe. Tim if he seemed freaked out enough. I think he’s still trying to find a way to fire me behind Elias’s back once this whole thing blows over and he doesn’t have to pretend to care anymore. Really, the only reason he did was because it’s Jane Prentiss.

MELANIE

_Jane Prentiss?_ Jesus, wasn’t she—

MARTIN

I said I don’t want to talk about it.

MELANIE

Okay, okay. It’s just… how on Earth does he pretend to be a skeptic? I mean, I wasn’t being particularly nice about the kind of people I assume you usually get, but… I mean, he works here, doesn’t he? And he has to think some of them aren’t lying. Where does he get off on being all high-and-mighty about the rest of them?

MARTIN

I’m not really sure. I haven’t ever had the chance to ask him. I bet he’s got some going theory about electromagnetics or ley lines or something [MELANIE MAKES A DISPLEASED SOUND] that lets him explain away the true ones without really considering how it should affect his worldview.

MELANIE

That’s not really fair. You can incorporate ley lines into your understanding of the world as is just fine— I mean, not that that’s my explanation of choice for paranormal phenomena—

MARTIN

I know, I watch the show.

MELANIE

You mentioned. But I don’t understand how that applies to a- a parasitic worm woman. That just defies basic biology, at the most elementary level. I read the tabloids, but until a few weeks ago I was pretty sure you couldn’t live with worms for brains. How can he make sense of that without completely reorganizing his understanding of the world? And do people, normal people, not just us, experience things like this all the time and it doesn’t shift how we as a society think the universe works? How common are these incidents, anyways? You’re the ones gathering all the data.

MARTIN

Hell if I know. As far as I can tell, our job is to collect information and store it for smarter people to analyze. Grad students and them. We’re like— like supernatural anthropologists, and they’re sociologists.

MELANIE

I… mostly understood that metaphor. Well, I hope it works out for you all. I’ll just be out there, doing my own research, coming to my own conclusions.

MARTIN

I— fair enough, then. More power to you. I’ll just be trying to avoid the worms— Oh, that looks like Sasha. Well, I’ll see you around, Melanie. I- I mean Ms King. Er— I mean, probably not, really, I doubt you’ll be back—

MELANIE

I doubt I’ll be back.

MARTIN

[FADING] But it was great to meet you! Sorry about Jon! Have a- a nice life!

[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]

MELANIE

Jesus. He needs to get out more. [PAUSE] Hm. Guess that was a little insensitive. Anyways. Hello, Sasha?

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading!


End file.
